| |
| |
|
Relationships Information presented by the helpful gang over at personals4all |
|
|
|
Relationship Advice: Warning Signs of an Emotional Affair
"But we're just friends" are four of the most dangerous words for your marriage. But over and over in my office and on the phone I hear it: "We are just friends, there is nothing going on." The majority of extramarital affairs begin as "just friends." While it is certainly true that there are affairs that begin with impulsive one-night stands with a stranger, the most common ones that I see begin as "just friends." In fact, if you find yourself thinking or saying "but we are just friends" you are probably already in trouble. Gary Rosberg of America's Family Coaches states that there are at least 19 stages a person will pass through on the way to physically consummating an extramarital affair. There are at least two important notions that we can lift from Rosberg's statement: 1) At each and every one of the 19 steps, you have a clear choice between going further down or stopping the process. In other words, these things don't "just happen." 2) An affair - by the way, I hate that term! It makes it sound like it is this wonderful experience with no consequences ... as in "It was a grand affair." In my marital counseling and relationship coaching experience, adultery breaks up marriages, wrecks families and crushes kids. Anyway, now that my rant is over, an affair becomes adultery long before the physical act. In fact, emotional affairs can be stronger and more difficult to get out of than physical affairs. The late Shirly Glass was a pioneer in the area of emotional affairs. In her 2003 book "NOT Just Friends: Protect your relationship from infidelity and heal the trauma of betrayal," Glass identifies three red flags that indicate that you have progressed from a safe friendship to a romantic emotional affair. 1) You feel closer to your friend than you do your spouse. You find yourself thinking of this person more and more often and looking forward to the next time you are together. When something happens during the day, the first person you think of telling is this friend, not your spouse. 2) Keeping secrets. You no longer feel comfortable telling your spouse about this person. You begin to cover up so as not to be found out. 3) An increasing sexual tension. You admit your attraction for each other, but promise (complain) that you can never act on it. You fantasize what it would be like to be with this person. This helps to create a pretend world where everything would be wonderful if the two of you could just be together. One of the most overlooked and dangerous facts about emotional affairs is that we are all vulnerable. If you believe that this fact does not apply to you, then you are even more vulnerable than everyone else. How to protect yourself and your relationship Keep clear boundaries. A boundary is simply what kids mean when they say "don't go there." Avoid being alone with and/or emotionally close to someone to whom you are attracted. Talk often about your spouse. "Spouse bashing" does not count. Talk about what you have done lately and what you are looking forward to with your spouse. If you are going to talk about emotional issues in your marriage, make sure you are talking to your spouse, a trusted friend who is on the side of you and your marriage or a professional who is on the side of your marriage. Be especially careful at work. More and more emotional affairs are occurring in the workplace. You spend time together, you go through crises together, you solve problems together. Do not make a habit of taking private lunches or breaks with the same person over and over. Set up a review committee in your mind. Ask yourself, "Would my wife, my mom, my wife's mom, my sister approve of what I am doing right now?" or, "Would my husband, my dad, my husband's dad, my brother approve of what I am doing right now?" If the answer is no, then I offer you what I call my RLH prescription. RHL stands for Run Like Hell! Here is a cold dose of reality: 75 percent of marriages between affair partners result in divorce. In closing, remember that we are all vulnerable, watch for the warning signs, and protect yourself and your marriage. Visit SecretsofGreatRelationships.com for tips and tools for creating and growing a great relationship. You can also subscribe to our f*r*e*e special report on the 10 Warning Signs of an Emotional Affair from relationship coach and expert Jeff Herring.
MORE RESOURCES:
Relationships - Google News |
|
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
How to Kiss and Make Up Was it a hectic day for you, or did you have one of those slow days that seem to drag on forever? Well, hopefully when you get home, if you are not home already, you will not have some drama you don't need waiting for you. If you do, we have some ideas about how to quench the drama, deflate your anger and get back to your fun self. I Have A Secret to Share Dear Candace,I have been through a lot over the last 3 years. I have divorced, suffered from cancer, and started a new relationship with someone I care a great deal about. Name That Tune Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 26, 2004I have been married to a wonderfully grounded woman for nine years, and we have two young children. The problem? My mother-in-law lives from crisis to crisis. A Kiss is Never Just a Kiss! "Kiss: a secret told to the mouth instead of to the ear." Edmond Rostand"The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. Making Passion More Passionate Somewhere between the first kiss and growing old together, many couples experience dormant growth phases during their relationship, leaving one, if not both partners with a need for greater input, emotionally and/or physically.The process of emotional growth is both independent, and uncomfortable. Diamond Alternatives - There Are Some Great Options There is little doubt that diamonds are one of the most elegant of the precious stones, and that diamond jewelry is simply a joy to wear. Unfortunately, though many of us are unable to afford the diamond jewelry we would so dearly love, as the great beauty and value of the stone are translated into the price that you have to pay to own one. The Top 10 Ways to Keep Passion in Your Relationship All long-term relationships go through a variety of phases. There is the initial dating and courtship and infatuation period. 10 Free Romantic Gifts Being in love does not mean that you should turn overnight to be an extravagant spender. Love is beautiful when it is simple and true. Dinner Scooped Off the Floor - Why Men Wont Commit "We strengthen a muscle by using it, and that is true of the heart and mind, too." ---Danielle Crittenden"I just got an email from him and I need your help," was the first thing she said when I answered the phone. Communication Tips for Heart Healthy Relationships It doesn't matter how old we are, matters of the heart go on forever. It is well known that a healthy diet, exercise, and attitude are powerful determinants of a healthy heart. The Male Rating System While not necessarily New Age in nature, Samantha has noticed a lot of clients asking questions about their potential beaus lately and she thought this refreshing change might be just what was needed to help our female Realm members keep things in perspective regarding their male paramours. Enjoy! -David -Believe it or not, if you go into forums on web sites that are devoted to the subject of how to pick up girls, you will find people posting messages about something that is called the mating rating system. How to Tell If Your Boyfriend or Husband Is Cheating On You The word infidelity brings with it fear to every woman I've ever had the opportunity to speak with. While many make the claim that their spouse would never cheat on them they realize that is false hope and that it could very well happen to them. Love is Not Supposed to Hurt Questions and Answers:I often feel sad in my relationship, what can I do about it?I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells, is that normal?I feel different from how I used to feel, like I've lost my sense of self. Why?What can I do if my partner switches demeanors like Jekyll and Hyde?How can I stop my boyfriend from humiliating me, degrading me, and putting me down?Here are your answers:I often feel sad in my relationship, what can I do about it? If you feel sad in your relationship most, if not all of the time, then it is time that you really asked yourself if this relationship is bringing you joy MOST of the time. Relationship Conflict: The 3 Cs of Resolving Conflict "And they lived happily ever after.. How To Write a Romantic Love Letter Does the thought of writing a love letter or poem automatically reduce your vocabulary to a 5-year-old's level? Well, believe it or not, that's a great place to begin!Kids speak straight from the heart. They don't worry about tripping over the right words, they only know how to say what they want using the most simple language. Want To Strengthen Your Relationship Open your mouth. What do I mean? Talk - say what's on your mind. For Better Or Worse For Better or WorseI was in the middle of a conversation the other evening with a friend of mine, and her better half. The conversation was about the kids. An Introduction to Relationships "Love makes the world go around" was true when it was first uttered many years ago and remains just as true today. Love is what everybody is after. Ladies, Is Your Valentine The Cheating Kind? According to statistics, 50% to 70% of men cheat on their mates. What type of man is most likely to cheat? Ruth Houston, infidelity expert and author of "Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs" says, "Some men are more likely to cheat than others. How to Start a Conversation With a Woman Last week I had the easiest pick up and seduction of a woman in my life, and it all started with me walking by a random girl and saying (using a clear, resonating voice and disinterested, but relaxed and sexual, body language), "Hey."She looked up, expecting me to say something interesting.
|
| home | site map |
| © 2006 |
