| |
| |
|
Relationships Information presented by the helpful gang over at personals4all |
|
|
|
7 Ways To Improve Your Relationship
Good relationships don't just happen. I've heard many of my clients state that, "If I have to work at it, then it's not the right relationship." This is not a true statement, any more than it's true that you don't have to work at good physical health through exercise, eating well, and stress reduction. I've discovered, in the 35 years that I've been counseling couples, 7 choices you can make that will not only improve your relationship, but can turn a failing relationship into a successful one. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF This is the most important choice you can make to improve your relationship. This means that you learn how to take responsibility for your own feelings and needs. This means that instead of trying to get your partner to make you feel happy and secure, you learn how to do this for yourself through your own thoughts and actions. This means learning to treat yourself with kindness, caring, compassion, and acceptance instead of self-judgment. Self-judgment will always make you feel unhappy and insecure, no matter how wonderfully your partner is treating you. For example, instead of getting angry at your partner for your feelings of abandonment when he or she is late, preoccupied and not listening to you, not turned on sexually, and so on, you would explore your own feelings of abandonment and discover how you might be abandoning yourself. When you learn how to take full, 100% responsibility for yourself, then you stop blaming your partner for your upsets. Since blaming one's partner for one's own unhappiness is the number one cause of relationship problems, learning how to take loving care of yourself is vital to a good relationship. KINDNESS, COMPASSION, ACCEPTANCE Treat others the way you want to be treated. This is the essence of a truly spiritual life. We all yearn to be treated lovingly - with kindness, compassion, understanding, and acceptance. We need to treat ourselves this way, and we need to treat our partner and others this way. Relationships flourish when both people treat each other with kindness. While there are no guarantees, often treating another with kindness brings kindness in return. If your partner is consistently angry, judgmental, uncaring and unkind, then you need to focus on what would be loving to yourself rather than reverting to anger, blame, judgment, withdrawal, resistance, or compliance. Kindness to others does not mean sacrificing yourself. Always remember that taking responsibility for yourself rather than blaming others is the most important thing you can do. If you are consistently kind to yourself and your partner, and your partner is consistently angry, blaming, withdrawn and unavailable, then you either have to accept a distant relationship, or you need to leave the relationship. You cannot make your partner change - you can only change yourself. LEARNING INSTEAD OF CONTROLLING When conflict occurs, you always have two choices regarding how to handle the conflict: you can open to learning about yourself and your partner and discover the deeper issues of the conflict, or you can try to win, or at least not lose, through some form of controlling behavior. We've all learning many overt and subtle ways of trying to control others into behaving the way we want: anger, blame, judgment, niceness, compliance, caretaking, resistance, withdrawal of love, explaining, teaching, defending, lying, denying, and so on. All the ways we try to control create even more conflict. Remembering to learn instead of control is a vital part of improving your relationship. For example, most people have two major fears that become activated in relationships: the fear of abandonment - of losing the other - and the fear of engulfment - of losing oneself. When these fears get activated, most people immediately protect themselves against these fears with their controlling behavior. But if you chose to learn about your fears instead of attempt to control your partner, your fear would eventually heal. This is how we grow emotionally and spiritually - by learning instead of controlling. CREATE DATE TIMES When people first fall in love, they make time for each other. Then, especially after getting married, they get busy. Relationships need time to thrive. It is vitally important to set aside specific times to be together - to talk, play, make love. Intimacy cannot be maintained without time together. GRATITUDE INSTEAD OF COMPLAINTS Positive energy flows between two people when there is an "attitude of gratitude." Constant complaints creates a heavy, negative energy, which is not fun to be around. Practice being grateful for what you have rather than focusing on what you don't have. Complaints create stress, while gratitude creates inner peace, so gratitude creates not only emotional and relationship health, but physical health as well. FUN AND PLAY We all know that "work without play makes Jack a dull boy." Work without play makes for dull relationships as well. Relationships flourish when people laugh together, play together, and when humor is a part of everyday life. Stop taking everything so seriously and learn to see the funny side of life. Intimacy flourishes when there is lightness of being, not when everything is heavy. SERVICE A wonderful way of creating intimacy is to do service projects together. Giving to others fills the heart and creates deep satisfaction in the soul. Doing service moves you out of yourself and your own problems and supports a broader, more spiritual view of life. If you and your partner agree to these 7 choices, you will be amazed at the improvement in your relationship! About The Author Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of a powerful healing process called Inner Bonding. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.
MORE RESOURCES:
Relationships - Google News |
|
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
The Type of Woman Men Fall in Love With I'd like to shed some light on something that women have been puzzled about for centuries, and that is the type of women men fall in love with. There have been so many books written on this subject, yet most have not delivered the common sense answers I am going to share with you in this issue of Smart Woman's Guide Newsletter. 10 Ways to Seduce A Woman I have written this article by request but want to begin by saying that I in no way encourage men to treat women like objects. Men, this is a guide to help you win over a woman that you have a genuine interest in. Anniversary Blues Jamie and Kurt are a sweet, successful couple in their early thirties. In spite of loving each other deeply, they often find themselves in conflict over seemingly minor issues, as most couples do. The Sponge Pattern Relationships. They're complicated, right? At least that's what we've been told, well, since childhood, girlhood, womanhood?whatever. Womens Cosmic Personality Quiz: Are You a Star Woman or an Earth Mother? Star Women are visionary leaders, and focused on the future. Earth Mothers are focused on nurturing, caring, and giving. Are Men and Women Really from Different Planets? Are men really from Mars, and women from Venus?'what women want,' is still left unanswered to men. Even when we reflect upon the 2000 film, What Women Want - lead character, Nick Marshall (played by Mel Gibson) seems to have all the answers. How To Tell If Someone You Meet In An Online Profile Or Advert Is Married/Partnered Or A Troll - 1 Subtitle - A Troll? What the **** is that and why should I give a hoot?First, let's get clear on our terms.For the purpose of this article, "Troll" has two meanings. Why We Chose The Person We Love "Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it." -- George Santayana"Why do I always wind up with the wrong person? I want someone who is kind, loving, reliable and open. Buying Underwear For The Woman In Your Life - The Golden Rules There are two golden rules for choosing underwear for the woman in your life: ignore them at your peril!1) Make sure you get the right size?This is relatively easy - all you have to do is have a look at the label inside a bra that she often wears and note the size (numbers and letters, eg 36C) and do the same for a pair of knickers. Just don't let her catch you rummaging in her underwear drawer or she might get the wrong idea!!Then take yourself down to the nearest lingerie outlet (try a big department store - you'll get more help choosing and you'll get extra brownie points for the effort), find someone to help you and tell them the size you need. One of The Main Reasons Why Relationships Fall Apart I had the priviledge to try out a BMW M5 at a BMW dealership. It is one of the most refined race cars that is ever built. Attention Guys: Impress Your Girls - Send Flowers! Remember that big hug she gave you when you got her fresh flowers? It doesn't have to only happen on Valentine's Day. Everybody knows that women love to get them, so why is it that men rarely send flowers?When men buy flowers they often find it an intimidating experience. Great Relationship Advice: How to Get "All A's" in Couples Communication Mark Twain once said that he believed it was "God's great cosmic joke on humanity when He required men and women to live together in marriage."When it comes to couples trying to communicate with each other, I believe old Mr. How To Re-ignite the Fire in Your Relationship! Couples that are together for a while sometimes suffer from passion burn out.Are you a victim of passion burnout?If you no longer have the desire to jump all over your partner whenever they walk through the door, and find more things to complain about than compliment, you may be headed down the path of trouble. How to Turn Down Invitations Gracefully All of us occasionally receive social invitations that we don't want to accept.How do we handle turning down these invitations without hurting or insulting the person who invited us?If you are turning down an invitation, first be very clear in your own mind whether you are turning down the particular event, the person who issued the invitation, or both. Infidelity: Difference Between a Rage and Revenge Affair The fifth affair I outline in my book, "Break Free From The Affair" is called: "I Want to Get Back at Him/Her." This is the revenge affair. Relationship Advice - How to Get Out and Stay Out of Relationships Ruts "The only difference between a rut and a grave are the dimensions."Q: My wife and I are both on our second marriage. No More Lonely Weekends! How do you react when you are faced with spending another weekend alone because nobody has invited you to do anything with them?Do you mope around the apartment, hoping that the phone will ring, and wishing that somebody, somewhere, will call to invite you to do something?Just because no one has invited you to do anything with them, doesn't mean you have to spend your time alone feeling lonely, depressed or bored. You can actually make sure that you fill your spare time with activities that you really enjoy. What's Special About Abused Women? Before writing this article, I stopped and thought hard. By writing this, would I be putting potentially harmful information in the hands of abusive men? Would I be putting more women at risk? The answer kept coming back 'no' - although the question did bring to mind another characteristic of abused women that I'll come back to. Sad Scientific Facts About Love Disaster results when we see women trying to change a man's behaviour. According to evolutionary biologist Rosie Mestel, what women perceive as bad male behaviour (lying, cheating, ogling other women) is actually part of a biologically based prime directive to procreate as fast as possible. He Still Hasnt Popped the Question - Should You Give Him an Ultimatum? You've been dating the man forever, and he has yet to cough up a ring. You spend every single weekend with him.
|
| home | site map |
| © 2006 |
